Monday, November 29, 2010

Corrigan Brothers and Shay Healy New Album "The State of the Nation"

November 30th- A studio Ireland

  Eurovision Winner Shay Healy and President Obama's great Irish Friends  the Corrigan Brothers are rush releasing a new album called "The State of the Nation". With Tracks including "If Finn McCool came back" (a Healy composition that has a special verse about Bertie and his cupboard antics) and "Leo Varaadker-I Just Love him" (which will feature Anglican Canon of Cloughjordan Stephen Neill as Leo) this album will be pitched at the post budget and general election January Market.

Ger Corrigan of the Corrigan Brothers told Begorrah Begorrah, "Shay had been putting a few topical songs together so we decided to make an album. There has never been more material available". Other songs to feature will be "Joan Burton puts me to Sleep" and "the day that Ajai Chopra met Jackie Healy Rae" while "Anglo's 400,000 Golf Balls" tells the story of the only remaining assets of the bank.

Healy and Corrigan Brothers will launch the album at the gates of Leinster house and will invite popular Offally accordianist Brian Cowen to play along for the Launch.

Sean Fitzpatrick qualifies for Free Cheese

Dublin- November 30th  

 Disgraced former Anglo Irish supremo Sean "regulation sucks" Fitzpatrick has ironically qualified for Irish Government Cheese support. Fitzpatrick who told a court hearing last month that he now lives on one hundred and eighty eight euros per month qualifies for the maximum cheese handout, a two kilo block per month or one hundred and twenty easi singles.
 Mr Fitzpatrick is said to be delighted with his calcium rich windfall. Popular Charity worker Sister Clitorata of the "Sisters are doing it for Themselves order" welcomed the news. "It is God's will that Mr Fitzpatrick receives the charity that he is entitled to". Her colleague Sister Vulvana was in less charitable mood " that sneering little prick, I'd like to see him rodgered by a gorilla on steroids".
Mr Fitzpatrick will receive his first cheese handout this week.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Jackie Healy Rae meets Ajai Chopra

Kerry-a Pub-November 28th- Popular South Kerry politician and publican Jackie Healy Rae welcomed IMF enforcer Ajai Chopra to his home place yesterday. Mr Healy Rae showed the IMF man the infrastructural miracle that is South Kerry. Mr Chopra marvelled at the Motorways and Marinas and was stunned to see two public swimming pools in a village of less than seventy people. Chopra was amazed when he said "Mr Healy Rae has achieved so much here and has how you say, held the Government by the bollox, there has been more money spent in South Kerry than in the whole of Luxembourg".
Mr Healy Rae was delighted to host the visit "Yearrah oul Chopra isn't the worsht of them, you have to man mark him, I tould him I'd back him all the way if he lavyes Shouth Kerry alone".
 Surrounded by his seventeen sons all of whom hold council seats in the Kingdom Mr Healy Rae presented Chopra with a copy of "The Field" by John B Keane "have a good read of that now me boyo, look out for the moral of that shtory" said a self satisfied Healy Rae.
Mr Chopra expressed his delight at receiving such an austere and cultural gift, "Mr Jackie is not one for needlessly spending taxpayers money for his own ends".

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Ireland runs out of Condoms after Pope Benny says "Rubbers Rock"

Dublin Nov 27th- Condom mania has broken out in Ireland after former Nazi Youth and Pope Benny Ratzinger has told his flock "knock yourselves out and start using Johnnies". In his ubi et scooby address he told Catholics that condoms are cool now and all that shit about loving relationships was a pile of cockology. Irish Catholics flocked to the pharmacies over the last few days to buy sheaths. Convicted Paedophile Priest Father Roger De Young expressed outrage from his prison cell saying "Benny has lost touch, this is the biggest U Turn since Fish for Friday was relaxed".

Devout Catholic and father of ninteen Billy "rhythm method" Devine was delighted " The Mrs will no longer have to say the rosary while we are having relations, she can lie back and let me enjoy meself".

Friday, November 26, 2010

Uproar as Late Late Toy Show Fails to feature Inner City Dublin Sterotype

Dublin- Nov 27th-  Ireland's National Broadcaster RTE were flooded with calls after the it's annual Late Late Toy Show neglected to feature the standard cheeky inner city kid. Molly "3 lighters for a Euro" Skelly one of Moore Street's best know traders expressed her disgust on Twitter. "It's bleedin not good enough, we wanted our share of representation. We had to put up with hours of gobshite kids and 5 year old who talk like Investment bankers and boggers bullshittin about tractors. All we wanted was a little gurrier to give Ryan Tubby a bit of cheek, Janowhaimeen!"

A Late Late Show insider admitted that they had got it wrong. "We were so top heavy with gobshite kids we just forgot to get a good Dublin gurrier kid. Still all the cameras are accounted for and none of the cars in the car park were broken into".

Anto "Rare Ould Times" McNaughton of the Fatima Mansions 4ever group said " they put a young lad dressed like Gok on who designs his own t-shirts and wants to feature in Paris fashion week-could they not have balanced it with a small Dublin gurrier whose ambition is to import counterfeit fags".

Irish Insomnia Association give Joan Burton a lifetime achievement Award

Dublin Nov 26th- John "Pillows" Flanagan, President of the Irish Insomnia Association last night conferred the Association's first Lifetime Achievement Award to Labour Party Politician Joan Burton. Announcing the award Mr Flanagan said "Joan Burton's monotone drone has helped so many of our members get some much needed sleep. She has given so much hope to Insomnia sufferers, in fact some of our most chronic cases have achieved a deep sleep within thirty seconds of one of her monologues".

A spokesperson for the Labour party said " we are so aware of Joan's sleep inducing qualities we warn any members who have cause to drive her anywhere to be aware of the dangers, we suggest coffee, red bull and steroids for even short journeys in her company".

Miss Burton is said to be delighted to be the first politician to receive the "Golden Pillow".

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Irish Cosmetic Surgery business in Meltdown

Dublin Nov 21st- Top breast enlarger Doctor Stelios Mammararious told Ireland's top cosmetic surgery magazine "Boob Job" that Cosmetic Surgeons can not afford to continue. "The bottom has fallen out of this market and anyone who keeps abreast of economic matters can see why" a distraught Stelios revealed this weekend. "I've had to let my botox team go and my breast enlargement team haven't worked since September". Stelious told Boob Job that despite his various marketing plans, including an industry first, the "one boob implant  now and one next year at 50% off"  customers remain disinterested. Stelios, a former builders labourer became the first graduate of the Fas cosmetic surgery certificate programme in 2008 after failing to secure a place in the Fas space programme after it was discovered he had an allergy to Champagne.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Eamon Dunphy "I love the Poor"

A nightclub Dublin- November 20th- Former Manchester Utd A team Legend Eamon Dunphy has again revealed his love of the poor. In a candid interview with Irish Magazine "Women's Problems" Dunphy opens his heart about the less well off in our society. "The poor give me a boner, they arouse me, their simple dignity, their acceptance of their lot, their reluctance to embrace designer labels," Recalling his childhood a tearful Dunphy spoke about his constant foraging for food "I remember being so hungry I ate my grandmothers shoe". Weeping Eamon went on to tell how he often boiled turf in condensed milk to create a peat based porridge.

Dunphy admitted his regret at becoming a multi million euro successful author, "Ever since I became loaded it has detached me from the poor and I miss them".

Eamon has recently taken a year out to lobby the Vatican for the canonisation of John Giles a man he claims has "performed miracles on the football pitch".  Dunphy is confident of success "Benny Ratzinger is a football man first and a Pope second, he captained the Hitler Youth first 11 who successfully defeated the SS in the all Nazi games of the same year. Saint Gilsey, sounds great,doesn't it?"

Roy Keane claims "Chopra can save Ireland"

A Field near Ipswich- November 20th-  Football Legend Roy Keane has issued a statement by text to the people of Ireland telling them that Chopra is the man to save them. " I signed Chops at Sunderland and he did a great job for us, he wasn't just a striker, he was a box to box workhorse with an engine almost as big as my own. No job is too big for Chops and he'll do a great job up front with Lenihan and Cowen. He will combine brilliantly with the Finnish lad Olli Rehn. They are both winners like me. Ireland needs to be a bit more like me and take no sh%t from no langers."

Commenting on the Roy Keane statement John Delaney of the FAI said "Roy's statement shows his intellegence".

Commenting on Delaney's statement Roy said "tell that langer to stop commenting on my statements".

Fintan O'Toole the unauthorised Biography "The Burden of Knowing Everything"

Old Ireland- November 2010- Rumours abound that Irish chick lit author Cecilia Ahern is about to write the unauthorised biography of Mr Fintan O'Toole. Celebrity Chef and Assistant to the Editor of the Irish Times, Mr O'Toole is rumoured to be none too pleased, Miss Ahern may expose  the real story of O'Toole's obsessional hatred of Irish Musical Treasures the Wolfe Tones. Sources close to O'Toole have revealed that a twelve year old O'Toole may have been refused an autograph by one of the Tones and this crushing event may have turned him forever against the band. It is believed that Miss Ahern has also uncovered the genesis of his Drama Criticism. As a young 2nd year O'Toole is rumoured to have written a nineteen act one man play called "ME ME ME" which was received poorly by the two classmates that turned up to the school hall for the three hours. It may be claimed  that after this poor review he never put an imaginative pen to paper again.

 Ahern may determine the  basis for O' Tooles penchant for Offal as exposed on RTE's "The Restaurant". In fact the working title of the book is rumoured to be "Offal and Waffle.....Fintan's story".

Irish Times insiders may tell Cecilia Ahern that inside the Old Lady of D'O'lier Street Mr O'Toole is viewed as Editor Grealdine Kennedy's Gordon Brown. Fintan O'Toole "The Burden of Knowing Everything" is planned for a Summer 2011 release.

Sir Robert tells Bono to Phu%k Off and insists "Oim saving Oirland"

Sir Robert's Round Table-London-November 20th- Knight of the Realm and passionate republican Sir Robert of Geldof has advised Bono to Phu%k right off! Sir Robert's patience snapped when he heard that Bono was hatching a plan to save Ireland. Sir Robert issued a statement through his lady in waiting this morning. " That phooking toad Bono is gettin' on my tits. Oim the one who invented saving countries not that little stetson wearing toad. Loike Oi did Loive Aid and just because he met George Bush he thinks he's me. If Oireland is to be saved Oi'll save it, if Oi feel like it. Bono my Arse!"
Mr Bono remains uncontactable and is rumoured to be having the world's  first back transplant! U2 percussionist drummer Larry the Drummer of U2 said "I wish Bono would shut the ph%ck up and write more of his shyte songs".

Friday, November 19, 2010

Irish Big Brother Winner Brian Dowling appeals for Calm

Dublin- Nov 20th- Former Big Brother winner Brian Dowling has appealed for calm is Ireland. Addressing the nation in a web cast last night Brian said " listen babes, let's not go off the deep end here, things are never as bad as they seem. We need to agree to be there for each other and chat more. It can be as easy as making a cup of tea for each other". Brian went on to talk about the impact of the economy on him and some of his friends "you know this recession has impacted the Celebrity world just as hard as the ordinary people but I'm reaching out to the celebs and telling them to put their arms around the ordinary people, give that extra autograph, pose for that extra photograph and for God sake sister, please smile". Taoiseach Brian Cowen welcomed Brian's address to the nation, Mr Cowen said "Brian Dowling through his harnessing of Celebrity power is filling a leadership void that I could never fill".

Thursday, November 18, 2010

IMF insist that Ireland Must Sell national treasures-Blarney Stone and Anne Doyle for sale

Dublin November 19th- Ajai Chopra, the IMF man with the task of fixing Ireland last night insisted that all of Ireland's national treasures are now for sale. "Ireland needs to show the bond holders that it is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice, to show that we are serious the Blarney Stone and Anne Doyle will be the first to be sold". Irish Minister for folkllore, heritage and accordian music Ultan Magillicuddy said "It breaks our heart ot have to sell Anne Doyle on the open market but I suppose she is not getting any younger, we may as well get what we can for her". Anne Doyle issued a statement on her website saying ......"one is flattered but one is saddened too but if my sale can save this nation then one will go under the hammer".

Bono may be willing to Save Ireland

Bono's House -Nov 19th- International saviour of nations ,Mr Bono adressed the thousands of people gathered outside his Killiney home last night and brought some hope to a desperate nation. Standing on his balcony he spoke for seven hours to the helpless people. Wearing his trademark Sunglasses and disguising the pain from his back trouble he told his disciples "if they give you cheese then imagine it's caviar". Bono, famous for eliminating the debt of other nations said "It is a big ask for me to save you but i'll get on the blower to Nelson Mandela straight away and ask him to organise a big concert in Africa,how does PaddyAid sound". This was greeted with uproarious cheers. Bono then descended from the balcony and agreed to allow some ordinary people touch him.

Irish Medical waiting list shocker- Irish lady now pregnant for 16 months awaiting Cesarian Section

Dublin- Nov 18th-  An Irish mother of one has now entered her 16th month of Preganacy as waiting lists in Irish maternity hospitals continue to rise. The woman who has become known as BIG FAT NORA has been waiting on a Cesarean Section since April. "It's a disgrace, I'm afaraid I'm going to  burst" a distraught Nora told Ireland's most popular talk radio show yesterday. Medical experts say that Nora can only hold out for another month and then the baby must be delivered or it's teeth will be developed enough for it to chew it's way out".

Ajai Chopra IMF superstar is related to Brian Cowen

IMF superstar Ajai Chopra   arrived in Dublin today  and greeted his cousin Brian Cowen with open arms. Chopra whose grandmother was Nellie Flanagan from Clara told the assembled press that his grandmother and Brian Cowens grandmother were indeed cousins. "I have to Clara been so many times and my grandmother Nellie thought me "the Ofally Rover" when I was just three years old. I am thrilled to meet cousin Brian and he promises to take out his squeezbox for how you say a big session at the weekend". Chopra immediatley set about undoing Bertie's Benchmaking. Asked about the size of his task he said "It is a massive sh%tfest but nothing that two great Ofally men can't put right".

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Irish Order of Nuns to create 100 Jobs

Dublin Nov 17th- The world reknowned Irish Order of Nuns, The Sisters of Empathy announced the creation of 100 nunnery jobs last night. The Head of the Order, Sister Invidia announced that the order is looking for girls who are willing to spread the word of Jesus all over Ireland. "We are fighting back against casual sex, alcohol and reality TV" said Sister Invidia. She continued "there are more people watching the X Factor in Ireland now than are going to confession". The recent restrictions on virginity have been lifted and the order now accepts girls who have "had relations" in a loving relationship. Sluts of course remain unwelcome. Apply online at

EU insist Saint Patrick's Day 2011 to be cancelled

EU culture minister Jacques De Boer last night issued an Ultimatum to Ireland. Cancel the expensive Saint Patrick's Day Celebrations or risk losing European Central Bank support. In a statement from his office in Brussels Mr De Boer said "there is no point giving all those paddies money if they are going to piss it up against a wall". Mr De Boer went on to claim that the Irish have an ecomomic crisis becasue they drank their way through the Celtic Tiger. Irelands largest Shamrock Farmer Fonsie "the weed" Mclure said "this will destroy us, I have 500 acres under Shamrock, what am I supposed to do with it". Mr De Boer offer hope to Irish Shamrock Farmers by considering the possibility of giving free edible shamrock to the needy.

Ireland- the New Poor- Cashless Woman eats her own pet Dog

Dublin Nov 16th- Former Investment Banker Eats Family Pet
  A former Investment Banker who only 12 months ago had a fully staffed Yacht broke down on a popular Irish radio talk show and admitted that she had just eaten her Dog Mitzi out of pure desperation. Miss M told the nation that she had no access to money in recent days and she killed cooked and ate her own dog. Miss M continued “it’s ok for the poor, they have always been poor but we rich just can’t get used to being poor”. I was hungry and I had no cash-Mitzi was the only thing left between me and starvation”.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Irish Free Cheese handed out- tastes like S%IT but is a great Fuel source

The First batch of European Union Cheese was distributed in Ireland yesterday and it's first recipient the ironically named Mary Bernadette Gouda O'Malley has already found an alternative use. "It tastes like hard squirell shit but I used it as fuel and it burned for hours on the fire" said a delighted Mary. "The heat off it kept me warm for hours."
Mary admits that she will take all the free cheese that she can get. "I'm hungry and peniless but I'm warm "declared a delighted Mary. "God Bless the Europeans, they have made an old woman's life that little bit more comfortable".

Ireland Running out of Cash-will be out of 10 cent coins by Christmas Day

Ireland has been asked to send back all of it's coinage to the European Union. Starting with the ten cent coin- Ireland will be coin free by February 2011. A new Minister has been appointed by Taosieach Brian Cowen to ensure Ireland meets it's EU directive. Batt McGonigle a previously unknown backbencher last night became the minister for small change. Batt told Begorrah Begorrah "Tis a big ask but there is no better man than me to embrace change". On December 20th- 36 trucks will arrive from Brussels and collect all the ten cent coins in Ireland and take them back to Europe where they will be redistributed to the needy in Portugal.

Corrigan Brothers will release 6 billion Euros song this week

You Tube Legends from Ireland- Corrigan Brothers will release their new single "6 Billion Euros" this week! It tells the tale of Ireland's upsoming Hairshirt Budget.

Ireland is going mad

Bail outs and Free Cheese- Ireland is going nuts? We are Broke and we are getting Free Cheese! Now Cheese is great but it won't pay the utility bills.