Corrigan Brothers and Shay Healy New Album "The State of the Nation"

November 30th- A studio Ireland

  Eurovision Winner Shay Healy and President Obama's great Irish Friends  the Corrigan Brothers are rush releasing a new album called "The State of the Nation". With Tracks including "If Finn McCool came back" (a Healy composition that has a special verse about Bertie and his cupboard antics) and "Leo Varaadker-I Just Love him" (which will feature Anglican Canon of Cloughjordan Stephen Neill as Leo) this album will be pitched at the post budget and general election January Market.

Ger Corrigan of the Corrigan Brothers told Begorrah Begorrah, "Shay had been putting a few topical songs together so we decided to make an album. There has never been more material available". Other songs to feature will be "Joan Burton puts me to Sleep" and "the day that Ajai Chopra met Jackie Healy Rae" while "Anglo's 400,000 Golf Balls" tells the story of the only remaining assets of the bank.

Healy and Corrigan Brothers will launch the album at the gates of Leinster house and will invite popular Offally accordianist Brian Cowen to play along for the Launch.

Sean Fitzpatrick qualifies for Free Cheese

Dublin- November 30th  

 Disgraced former Anglo Irish supremo Sean "regulation sucks" Fitzpatrick has ironically qualified for Irish Government Cheese support. Fitzpatrick who told a court hearing last month that he now lives on one hundred and eighty eight euros per month qualifies for the maximum cheese handout, a two kilo block per month or one hundred and twenty easi singles.
 Mr Fitzpatrick is said to be delighted with his calcium rich windfall. Popular Charity worker Sister Clitorata of the "Sisters are doing it for Themselves order" welcomed the news. "It is God's will that Mr Fitzpatrick receives the charity that he is entitled to". Her colleague Sister Vulvana was in less charitable mood " that sneering little prick, I'd like to see him rodgered by a gorilla on steroids".
Mr Fitzpatrick will receive his first cheese handout this week.

Jackie Healy Rae meets Ajai Chopra

Kerry-a Pub-November 28th- Popular South Kerry politician and publican Jackie Healy Rae welcomed IMF enforcer Ajai Chopra to his home place yesterday. Mr Healy Rae showed the IMF man the infrastructural miracle that is South Kerry. Mr Chopra marvelled at the Motorways and Marinas and was stunned to see two public swimming pools in a village of less than seventy people. Chopra was amazed when he said "Mr Healy Rae has achieved so much here and has how you say, held the Government by the bollox, there has been more money spent in South Kerry than in the whole of Luxembourg".
Mr Healy Rae was delighted to host the visit "Yearrah oul Chopra isn't the worsht of them, you have to man mark him, I tould him I'd back him all the way if he lavyes Shouth Kerry alone".
 Surrounded by his seventeen sons all of whom hold council seats in the Kingdom Mr Healy Rae presented Chopra with a copy of "The Field" by John B Keane "have a good read of that now me boyo, look out for the moral of that shtory" said a self satisfied Healy Rae.
Mr Chopra expressed his delight at receiving such an austere and cultural gift, "Mr Jackie is not one for needlessly spending taxpayers money for his own ends".

Ireland runs out of Condoms after Pope Benny says "Rubbers Rock"

Dublin Nov 27th- Condom mania has broken out in Ireland after former Nazi Youth and Pope Benny Ratzinger has told his flock "knock yourselves out and start using Johnnies". In his ubi et scooby address he told Catholics that condoms are cool now and all that shit about loving relationships was a pile of cockology. Irish Catholics flocked to the pharmacies over the last few days to buy sheaths. Convicted Paedophile Priest Father Roger De Young expressed outrage from his prison cell saying "Benny has lost touch, this is the biggest U Turn since Fish for Friday was relaxed".

Devout Catholic and father of ninteen Billy "rhythm method" Devine was delighted " The Mrs will no longer have to say the rosary while we are having relations, she can lie back and let me enjoy meself".

Uproar as Late Late Toy Show Fails to feature Inner City Dublin Sterotype

Dublin- Nov 27th-  Ireland's National Broadcaster RTE were flooded with calls after the it's annual Late Late Toy Show neglected to feature the standard cheeky inner city kid. Molly "3 lighters for a Euro" Skelly one of Moore Street's best know traders expressed her disgust on Twitter. "It's bleedin not good enough, we wanted our share of representation. We had to put up with hours of gobshite kids and 5 year old who talk like Investment bankers and boggers bullshittin about tractors. All we wanted was a little gurrier to give Ryan Tubby a bit of cheek, Janowhaimeen!"

A Late Late Show insider admitted that they had got it wrong. "We were so top heavy with gobshite kids we just forgot to get a good Dublin gurrier kid. Still all the cameras are accounted for and none of the cars in the car park were broken into".

Anto "Rare Ould Times" McNaughton of the Fatima Mansions 4ever group said " they put a young lad dressed like Gok on who designs his own t-shirts and wants to feature in Paris fashion week-could they not have balanced it with a small Dublin gurrier whose ambition is to import counterfeit fags".

Irish Insomnia Association give Joan Burton a lifetime achievement Award

Dublin Nov 26th- John "Pillows" Flanagan, President of the Irish Insomnia Association last night conferred the Association's first Lifetime Achievement Award to Labour Party Politician Joan Burton. Announcing the award Mr Flanagan said "Joan Burton's monotone drone has helped so many of our members get some much needed sleep. She has given so much hope to Insomnia sufferers, in fact some of our most chronic cases have achieved a deep sleep within thirty seconds of one of her monologues".

A spokesperson for the Labour party said " we are so aware of Joan's sleep inducing qualities we warn any members who have cause to drive her anywhere to be aware of the dangers, we suggest coffee, red bull and steroids for even short journeys in her company".

Miss Burton is said to be delighted to be the first politician to receive the "Golden Pillow".

Irish Cosmetic Surgery business in Meltdown

Dublin Nov 21st- Top breast enlarger Doctor Stelios Mammararious told Ireland's top cosmetic surgery magazine "Boob Job" that Cosmetic Surgeons can not afford to continue. "The bottom has fallen out of this market and anyone who keeps abreast of economic matters can see why" a distraught Stelios revealed this weekend. "I've had to let my botox team go and my breast enlargement team haven't worked since September". Stelious told Boob Job that despite his various marketing plans, including an industry first, the "one boob implant  now and one next year at 50% off"  customers remain disinterested. Stelios, a former builders labourer became the first graduate of the Fas cosmetic surgery certificate programme in 2008 after failing to secure a place in the Fas space programme after it was discovered he had an allergy to Champagne.